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Bringing up Bebe: French-Style Parenting in Vancouver

Bringing up Bebe: French-Style Parenting in Vancouver

Article by Emilie Sarkissian, kids fashion expert and parenting book reviewer.

I just finished reading Bringing up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman and as a mother of two, I felt like I had to share because it was very helpful and made me feel really good.

Controversial Parenting Book

The book was released a month ago and has been a bit controversial because it is about the wisdom of French parenting in comparison to the American Parenting. But for me, Pamela Druckerman’s book is not a tribute to the French way but rather an alternative to the parenting tips you find online, one that actually considers the mother (and father) as much as the kids. I don’t see this book as a criticism of the American way but more as a great tool for new parents with good advice that might seem “obvious” at first but that you can easily forget to apply.

Being French and having been raised in France, I did feel like a bit of a failure after reading the book. Why does my kid have tantrums in public spaces? Why can’t my kids sit still at the restaurant and eat their food? Why is pasta my kid’s favourite food? Why do I shout so much and why am I not as patient and calm as the French moms described in the book?

I realized that even though I strongly believed in everything she said and was even raised that way, I was not entirely applying these values on my own kids. Living in Canada, I have been following the Canadian way and reading Canadian and American parenting sites. For the past years, I have been trying to be diplomatic with my toddler and find ways to explain things without saying No. I have been feeling guilty about working instead of spending time with them. I have been ashamed of telling people that I only breastfed my second baby for two months.

Three Lessons from Bringing up BebeParenting Book Bringing up Bebe

Reading Druckerman’s book was an eye opener, even though I don’t agree with everything she says. I learned three lessons from her:

  1. Becoming a mom does not mean that I have to stop being myself and wipe out the life I had before. Our kids are young but they will grow up and our social circle and activities should not revolve around them. I no longer feel guilty when I take some time off for myself. The author explains, “French parenting is a balance between what North Americans view as old-school parenting, and a much more modern form of parenting where they speak to children and listen to them but don’t feel they must do everything children say. No one part of your life – not work, not being a parent, not being a spouse – should overwhelm the other parts.” It felt good to know that I was not the only one with these needs and that I really didn’t have to feel guilty about wanting to have a life of my own!
  2. I need to start to apply – or just reinforce – the principles I believe in. My sons are one and three and I don’t want them to control our lives. The best way to achieve that is to make sure that they understand who’s the boss because I don’t hesitate to say No. Of course, it is a long term process, which hopefully will lead to less tantrums and better overall behavior. It is a learning curve for all of us. Pamela Druckerman explains in her book, “Being strict about a few key things makes parents seem more reasonable and thus makes it more likely that children will obey.” She explains that French parents have a zero tolerance when it comes to food, respecting parents, and saying Hello / Goodbye / Thank you / Please. “If you give a kid too many choices, he doesn’t feel reassured. Certain things don’t need explanation. Sometimes there are things in life you don’t really like, and you have to do them. You don’t always do what you love or what you want.”
  3. I need to trust my instincts as a mother. French parents actually do not believe in using a special parenting style. The author explains that French parents don’t think they are doing anything special, but for some reason they all do more or less the same thing.

It might sound rigid, but who else is going to teach my children what is right and wrong? How will my kids behave outside if I don’t teach them how to behave in our own house? Pamela Druckerman says, “To be a different kind of parent, you don’t just need a different parenting philosophy. You need a very different view of what a child actually is.”

Life is More Serene

Bringing up Bébé is full of great tips, such as how to get baby to sleep through the night by using la pause. She quotes a French pediatrician: “When your baby is born, just don’t jump on your kid at night. Give your baby a chance to self soothe, don’t automatically respond, even from birth.”

For the past month, I have changed my parenting and I feel like our life is more serene. My son now asks to leave the table. I also make sure to say these repetitive things that will help them learn, “Say hello, goodbye, merci.” I no longer make special meals and they have to take a bite of everything. I also try to be more calm when dealing with daily frustrations. The book has taught me to be more flexible with my kids and not jump at everything they do just because I am tired or irritated. Pamela Druckerman quotes a French actress, “Education is a firm frame and inside is liberty.” It is a nice summary of the French view on parenting. Kids need to be independent but you have to make sure they are on the right path and respect certain rules.

Of course, it is easy to be influenced by your surroundings, so unless you live in France, it might be hard to apply every single one of these principles consistently. But, it’s also nice to be able to pick and choose the best from each culture. The author talks about how French parents let their kids play on their own and are not involved in as many extracurricular activities. Living in Vancouver, I actually love that there are so many fun things you can do with your babies through community centres or other groups. I also really like the fact that students do not study until 5:00 pm every day and have time to join clubs or play sports! I also believe that parents can make mistakes and that we
should also be able to say “I’m sorry” to our kids.

Overall, there is no perfect way but our goal as parents is the same: to be happy and loving (most of the time) and to raise joyful, confident kids.

Emilie Sarkissian is the founder of Momwithbaby.com, an online directory for baby-friendly activities and places in Vancouver. She’s also the owner of ApricotCulotte.com, which specializes in pre-loved French baby clothes.

*Photo Credit: Herry Lawford on Flickr

View Comment (1)
  • Great article, thank you for sharing your view and tips. I read the book with great interest as I feel that I am exposed to a variety of parenting styles being an expat in HK.
    I firmly believe that some “old school” parenting aspects do help in raising children. I had a playdate with a French friend of mine this week with her toddler at my place, and was very happy to enjoy tea time with her discussing about our jobs and children related things without being after our toddlers every five minutes. The “cadre” or the frame is important, then let our children be children, and we mothers can enjoy time for ourselves as well.

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